The problem with being someone who suffers from bouts of insomnia like I do is that I often find myself very much alone in the very quiet hours in the dead of night or the wee early ones just before the dawn.
With not much to keep me company.
Except an abundance of thoughts that swirl around in the big head of mind, cohabitating within the brain that often refuses to shut off and let me rest.
Yesterday was a doozy of a day and I ended it feeling very crushed.
Crushed because I failed to master the life-work balance, crushed that I ran out of time to complete all the projects that I had outlined for the day, and crushed that almost everyone seemed to be a bit disappointed.
What I fail to understand is that despite all the good things one accomplishes, why is it that the "shortcomings" are what get noticed?
Is it even possible to be and do everything everyone expects 100% of the time?
I know I have lost sleep and worked myself in to a frenzy trying.
Maybe that is wherein lies my error. I should be adopting the Yoda philosophy. I shouldn't be focused on trying. I should be focusing on doing.
I want to be a better mother.
A better wife.
A better sister. daughter.
I want to be more expressive in my creativity.
I want to be a better artist.
I want to be a better person. A more generous one. More understanding. More forgiving.
And yet despite wanting all these things, I fear as I journey toward them, it will be never enough.
I am many wonderful things.
BUt I am not yet many things people expect of me.
I hate this feeling lately of never enough. It bugs and weighs heavy.
I pray one day I will learn to overcome it.